Learn to Cope

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mmm bacon

As February rears its bleak, wintery hellscape of a head, I am forced, yet again, to deal with the horrors of "Valentine's Day". As evidenced by my newest foray into the blogosphere, I am sufficiently and perpetually single. And, I know it's a little "the lady doth protest too much", but it really is OK that I am. Most of the time. Like...80% of time. Alright, 70% of the time. Happy?

So, in order to deal with a time of the year in which it seems that society is constantly reminding me that I'm the human equivalent of wholesale irregular clothing - you know, those pants with three leg holes or T-shirts that are actually F-shirts - I've developed a few coping mechanisms. With a patented blend of self-pity and positivity, these methods have gotten me through 24 (oh my god 24) February 14th's solo. They are as follows:

Al Green. Lots and lots of Al Green.

Never can you ever have too much Al. Ain't that right, President Obama?


Strong Female Role Models

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Because Tina Fey/Liz Lemon and Amy Poehler/Leslie Knope make me feel so good about myself. Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day/Galentine's Day to all!


An unmitigated stream of food

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Seriously. This is important. Constant food. Like, amounts that should make you embarrassed but shut up, Mom I'll eat what I want I'm a grown up. Cuisines to try: cheese, $1 Chinese buffet, anything and everything fried, and the occasional palette-cleansing vegetable.


Movies

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Here's where the real finesse of the day comes into play. I learned the hard way that you should never, under any circumstances, watch something like The Notebook on Valentine's Day. A much better choice? Something like Kill Bill, Vol. 1 or Haywire. The important thing is not to get caught up in those movies that are made for the sheer purpose of making you cry. Acceptable love stories include but are not limited to: The Holiday, Emma, or any and all episodes of Downton Abbey. Pretty much anything that involves British people and story lines that end happily and won't make you realize you might die alone.


Booze.

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Oh, booze. Hooch. The sauce. Moonshine. Alcohol. You're always there for me, especially when I need to drown my sorrows. Be sure to stick to drinking during the off-hours, though, as this year's holiday does fall on a workday. The last thing you need is to get fired for drunkenness on Valentine's day. Talk about piling on.


So, to ensure your February 14th survival, be sure to "celebrate" with your closest friends. Just make sure that none of them are deliriously and happily in love. Other wise you might end up hating them. Most importantly, don't take any of this too seriously, and it's (more than) cool to be over it. After all, February 15th is only a day away.